Publication dates are much like Christmas ...

… and by that I mean that, safely viewed some months away, there appears to be oodles of time to do all the things, like updating one’s website, organising events and posts, and making plans to avoid reviews***. And then time does some space-time warping Houdini act and suddenly the date is upon you, and yes there will be presents, but firstly all the things!

I have not yet done all the things, but I will. There will be some events (definitely a launch, and some wonderful bookshops)! There will be some posts! And fun (surely?)! I’ve even done the website update. But for now, I am sharing the very first social media post I saw of an ARC, and Maya (@MayaLinnellWrites) kindly said I could use the photo. Thank you!


***I’m sure by now most writers have experienced the hideousness of the unjustified Amazon one-star review. My special favourite is the reviewer of a short story of mine (which is clearly categorised as a short story), who gave it one star because “this is a short story, not a novel”. This, for a story that was FREE. You, sir, deserve some special comeuppance which I hope the universe will dispatch to you with the speed of Prime membership. So if you needed any reasons not to read reviews, I think that’s a fair one. In general, though, I find it easier not to consume them, good or bad.

Is McDonald's actually important social infrastructure?

Wherein Charlotte makes the bonkers claim that McDonalds is akin to libraries and parks. No, really.

This led to an invitation to come and use the security office at the shopping centre. I’m going to hope he meant to be kind, but it was just really freaking creepy.
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Sometime in the first 2 years of my PhD, I was "moved on" from the foyer outside my local council library. The library is in a complex with a cinema, so the foyer was (and is … it's still there) a blind wide corridor of questionable sovereignty between those two institutions, having the same plush dark carpet as the cinema, but being bordered on three sides by the library.

Said corridor (which makes it sound narrow, but you could drive two cars through it) allows access to the council wi-fi even when the library is closed, which is why I assume I'd seen teenagers loitering there at all hours, enterprising on the hotspot, necks bent at angles that must make chiropractors see dollar signs.

I didn't need the wi-fi, but I did need a place to work. I had a young child at home, and books and PhD to write. My available work times were either late (after 6, after the parent relay-baton pass) or very early, and we were still at least three years away from embracing such pre-5am starts. More on that later. But those times meant I had to leave the house, removing myself as a sought-target every five minutes, or as soon as a thought was forming, whichever came first.

I'd been working for years in cafes during the day, but none opened at such hours after the demise of the last Gloria Jeans. Libraries, too, were generally not open as late as needed, cutting off momentum just as it got going, or the ones that are open (UQ, city) add unreasonable commutes. Or, they weren't open on "my" evenings at all. I had on occasion worked in the car, parked like some dodgy mo-fo at the edge of a local park, my face lit up in the glow of my screen. To be honest, not the most ergonomic solution. So, the nice carpeted loitering area outside the library seemed a great solution – out of everyone's way, a wooden bench to sit on, no closing times (since the cinema well outlasted my stamina).

And for a few evenings, it was great. Until I was moved on.

The mover-on-erer was a burly centre security man, who told me I couldn't sit there. When I asked why, seeing as I was bothering no one, I was told in a less-than-convincing way that it just wasn't allowed. In my usual tendency to overexplain, especially when upset and overtired, I told him I was so tired of looking for a place to work on my thesis, what with having a baby at home and deadlines and such. This led to an invitation to come and use the security office at the shopping centre. I'm going to hope he meant to be kind, but it was just really freaking creepy. A dude you don’t know suggesting you leave the public place to come work at night in his private office. Even coming from someone who often misses the creepy, that was creepy.

I moved myself on, and pretty fast.

To this day, whenever I go past the foyer and see the empty benches in that corridor, I think what a waste of space that is, having this well-lit, relatively secure public place that could be available, and making it decidedly otherwise. I eventually learned the term for this kind of place on the 99% Invisible podcast: "social infrastructure". Libraries are one of the few places that meet the criteria (at least, when they’re open). Along with parks and schools, social infrastructure form hubs that connect communities together. They help reduce inequality and polarisation by being accessible to all regardless of means, and putting everyone in contact with each other.

What has all this to do with McDonalds?

Well, ever since being moved on, McDonalds has been my solution (or sometimes, HJs). It feels absolutely daft to think of my local McDonDons as social infrastructure, but as a writer it's hard not to feel that way. It's open late and early. They have power points (for my increasingly aging laptop battery). The teenage staff and large dining areas generally ensures there's no tacit café-pressure to be gone after a certain time, or purchase a certain amount to stay. A cheeky writer friend often doesn't buy anything, occupying a corner table in the near-empty outdoor area. There's one 5 minutes from home, which is probably fairly common. It's well lit and populated, even at 5am, which is a far more typical time for me to be working now (thanks, covid).

And most importantly, to date I’ve never once been moved on by a security guard who suggests I should come work in his office.

I'm not the only one. At my local, especially at night, I see bible study groups, and freelancers, even real estate agents meeting clients at the tables. The golden arches is clearly providing some kind of community space that isn't being met by something else. And I’m aware this is probably part of their plan for market domination. But it’s more accessible to me as a working parent with a small child than many other options. And while it troubles me that the capitalist machine ends up in this place, making this claim that makes me feel uncomfortable, the pragmatic part of me that just needs to be able to work out of home at odd hours while my kid is small … that part is grateful.

That part only cares that there is a table here (yes, I’m writing this at McDonalds, because it’s late Sunday afternoon and I can’t be at home), and that I always feel welcome (or at least, comfortably beneath notice). Make of that what you will.

The coffee is still foul, though.

The new year post

I’m given to understand blogging is now a so-yesterday thing to do. While that might be confronting for someone who was alive well before the bloggosphere became a thing, I’ll take the tack of imagining I’m some kind of long-lived and wise immortal who can laugh at the rise and fall of trends. Muhaha.

Or, I’ll just be what I often am … retro, or a little out of step with everyone else. So be it.

In the spirit of being more in-step, I’m doing the kick-off post for the new year. I’m not a new year resolver type, but there’s something in rituals, or at least, little things we do to put our focus in the place it needs to be (even if we really could just go a few more days or weeks of the party season). I’m not going to say anything about 2020. Such words run the risk of saying far too much, or far too little, or running to tortured cliche.

So. I have three months left in the Arts Queensland grant timetable. Those activities are fairly well in hand. “Twenty-Six Letters” has been sent out to look for a publishing home, and now I’m working on the SF novel “Coderunner”. This is a book that I started writing back in 2011, and boy it reads like I had a lot of energy back then! In addition to that, there is the thread of my (really very good) day job that stitches my week together. That starts again this week, too.

I’m also kicking back into the 10% Happier New Year Challenge. Meditation is something I started formally more than a year ago, and it waxes and wanes in my life as it helps, and as I then become slack, and back again. This week I think especially I’ll need it.

New Years is a bit of a challenging time for me (as it is for many, I’ll guess) … the holiday come-down can hit pretty hard, the stuff you could gaily avoid before Christmas comes knocking, and there’s a tendency to navel-gaze at the gaps between the life/career you have and the one you might covet. But there’s comfort in routine in all that maelstrom, and in not running away from it. Easy to say. Teeth-grit easing into slow relax in practice.

And that’s all I think I’m going to say. The rest is doing. Wishing you the best in all your new doings, too :)

If you're an aspiring career writer, maybe you should be looking at FIRE

Writing careers have a reputation for being financially unstable. Many new writers are told to expect not to make money (perhaps ever) from their work - the old nugget “don’t quit your day job” is a mantra. The recent #publishingpaidme Twitter flurry, while it may have started to highlight racial inequalities in payment, also had a side bar for Australian writers: expect to be paid a lot less here.

This reality of writing pay (I personally feel) often gets used to put aspiring writers down / in their place, one of the many sticks of discouragement not to venture into the industry at all. I don’t like that, but for now, let’s acknowledge that even an “established” author, who’s had a good number of books published, is likely not making a living (even a poor living) from their work. Or if they do, the any certainty of continuing to make a living is not there.

This leaves the aspiring career writer with potentially fulfilling the starving artist stereotype, or slogging away at the soul-crushing day job while writing their work in the cracks and dreaming better times that may actually never come. And honestly, who wants those as the options?

Many writers acknowledge this problem, and talk about playing the long game and doing the work, and being clear about why we do this. And that’s all great. But it still shackles you in the long-term to the luck of the industry. No one ever seems to talk about how else you might be able to industry-proof your writing career. Maybe because it’s somehow dirty to talk about money and art? Or because people’s eyes glaze over when we start to talk about finances?

Whatever it is, fine. If you’re content to roll the dice and hope, have at it. I’m not content with that. And if you’re not, too, then this is where we come to FIRE.

How I got to thinking this way

I’m not just talking out my arse here. We started again with finances in our mid-30s thanks to the stellar combination of terrible investment advice and the GFC. It was the most awful, shitty shit time of my life. Think massive debts and financial advisors who just vanished overnight. We were great with numbers and saving, but we didn’t know how financial services work, and we were clueless about what we’d gotten into. I learned many lessons, but the biggest was NEVER trust other people with your financial security. As I result, I’ve educated myself, learned to trust what I know, and it’s during that education that I came across FIRE.

What is FIRE?

It stands for “financial independence, retire early”, and does what it says on the box. The idea is to live well within your means, stash everything else in investment assets (for me, this means incoming-producing assets like low-cost index funds) and through time, patience and compounding, gain freedom from the 9-5. If you want to know more about FIRE, I’d recommend going to other places, like Aussie Fire Bug and Pat the Shuffler. I’m not an all-things-FIRE officianado. If you don’t want to go hard at FIRE to begin with and need some more basic and easy to follow financial sense to ease into it, then I’d start where I did, with the Barefoot Investor.

(Note: I’m serious about not trusting other people with your finances - don’t take mine or anyone’s word for anything. Do your own research. Make your own choices.)

Where FIRE meets writing

It seems a no-brainer to me that if you aspire to write full-time, knowing it comes with no guarantee of income (let alone riches), that a smart strategy is to make the income-from-writing not a factor. If I’d known these things in my early 20s, instead of taking financial advice from dirty scum line-our-own-pockets advisors, I would have reached the goal in my early 30s. Even now, into my 40s and only a couple of years into doing this, I consider it more than worthwhile. If I get an extra 10 years to write without money worries, fantastic.

I know what some people must be thinking. But I’m not good with money. But that sounds impossible on a lower income / with kids / with debts. I’m not here to tell you this is for everyone, but there’s many people out there in those situations who’ve made it work. If you have a spark of interest at the idea, then do the reading. And the earlier you start, the better it is. There are, of course, trade-offs. Some of the downsides are:

  • Needing to live well within your means.

  • Needing to face what you actually spend and owe. I mean really face it.

  • Needing to stick to a savings/investment program for a good number of years.

If, however, the longer-term goal (writing with a totally writing-independent supporting income) means more to you than a plethora of today’s pleasures, this might be worth looking into. Yes, you’re going to have to practice your writing art while doing other work for some years, but not forever. And you’re probably already doing some version of that - wouldn’t you like to know it will be limited in duration? I can’t imagine anything better than knowing that there will be a day within my control (not the publishing industry’s control) where I won’t depend on writing/teaching/freelancing for money.

So, if you’re aspiring to write full-time (long before retirement), perhaps have a look at FIRE.

Some good news - I got a grant!

About a year ago, things were very different in my corner of writing land. I still had a relationship with my publisher, I was finishing up my PhD, an no one had heard of COVID-19. I imagine most of us had a different view of things back then.

Even without COVID, there’s been a veritable mangle set of stuff go on between then and now. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good, either. Mostly, it’s just been change, which is usually a good dollop from both buckets.

However, a few things have clicked into place in the last few months, and one I can finally talk about is that I’ve been successful in landing a grant from Arts Queensland. This will allow me to boot straight into writing work for about 6 months from September, producing three new stories (2 novels and 1 novella) across both genres I write, plus some workshop proposals for writers and a few other things (this includes the Twenty-six Letters novel that my readers here have heard about, and two SF projects, which I’ll talk about over on the other blog). All these projects have been things I just haven’t been able to get to over the last more-than-a-year. It’s phenomenal to have this chance to lean back in hard to creative work. I can’t wait.

So, thanks to Arts Queensland for the opportunity, and to all the other people in my life who have made it possible to do this, including my awesome writing buddy, my family, and my super cool workplace. It’s a real team effort. I’m looking forward to making good on your support.

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This project is supported by the Queensland Government through Arts Queensland.

On A Starlit Ocean ... a Q&A

My new book, On A Starlit Ocean, is out today. It’s been a little over a year since my last, and this one is a little different for a few reasons. So I’m doing the slightly obnoxious thing of doing a Q&A with myself … if it’s good enough for Matthew Reilly, I figured it’s fair game :)

Is On A Starlit Ocean part of the Walker-Bell Saga?

Yes and no. I originally wrote the story’s first draft after Crystal Creek (Book 3 of the Walker-Bells). Before I began, I had in mind it would be Travers’ story, but as I wrote it became apparent that this wasn’t that story. So, you will find one minor recurring character, and the hero Dr Bell is a distant cousin of Daniella (Ryders Ridge, Book 1), but for all other purposes you can read this as a stand alone.

Where did the story come from?

Sailing has been a long time passion for me, and when I first wrote this story, I was fresh off a trip to the Bay of Islands in New Zealand, skippering a yacht (read: packing it that I was responsible for not damaging the yacht) with my husband and two friends. We sailed around azure water bays, wandered on unpopulated beaches, watched penguins and dolphins, and tried not to snag the keel on hidden rocks. I remember listening to a lot of Simon and Garfunkle. After a few days of worrying the boat will drag the anchor overnight, sailing settles into a kind of zen that I haven’t found in any other part of life. There’s something about being commanded by the wind and tide, an essential need to go with things as they are happening, that’s restful.

Me enjoys the yachting

Me enjoys the yachting

Our boat, anchored in Oke Bay, after climbing the hill.

Our boat, anchored in Oke Bay, after climbing the hill.

‘Twas a tough time. Real tough.

‘Twas a tough time. Real tough.

As far as a story went, I wanted to write Erin’s story, someone who is the exact opposite - restless after an event that happened four years ago and drove her from home. The whole story is about restlessness really … a businessman who can’t be satisfied (the “old flame”), a capable and good-hearted doctor who is secretly drifting (the “new man”), the unsettling legacy of a secret on a sister and mother … even a restless ghost from the island’s past and the artist who paints her. Of course, the story is then about bringing those many unsettlings to rest.

I had also done a bit of yacht racing, which is pretty exciting (at least, if the wind is blowing). And both sides of sailing come together with a complicated romance in On A Starlit Ocean..

Yacht racing now … that involves being up at all hours for your watch shift, and doing radio call-ins while dressed in becoming safety gear.

Yacht racing now … that involves being up at all hours for your watch shift, and doing radio call-ins while dressed in becoming safety gear.

But … sometimes you win! (at least a minor placing). With the crew of the 2012 Brisbane to Keppel Yacht Race Southern Cross Yachting Team. Oh, you get a pineapple for finishing, that’s why we have one.

But … sometimes you win! (at least a minor placing). With the crew of the 2012 Brisbane to Keppel Yacht Race Southern Cross Yachting Team. Oh, you get a pineapple for finishing, that’s why we have one.

Is the island based on a real place?

On A Starlit Ocean features a paradise of a tropical island (whose beauty is no exaggeration if you’ve never had the pleasure of a Queensland island!). It’s absolutely inspired by a real place - Great Keppel Island, off Yeppoon on the Queensland coast. Like the island in the book, the resort there was a victim of the non-viability of island resorts once the airlines sold them off. I’ve heard recently it might be being redeveloped. Maybe.

… so, what happened to Twenty-Six Letters?

If you’re a long time reader of my Facebook or blog, you’ll know that I’ve been floating Twenty-Six Letters as my next book - a stand-alone, cross-generational women’s fiction saga that centres on twenty-six lost letters from a long-dead mother to her daughter.

This book hasn’t gone away, but it’s lead time did increase. I am looking for a new publishing home for it, and it needs to go through a good editorial process. I have a structural report, so that can begin soon. I utterly love the story, so it will be coming. But I’d been working on On A Starlit Ocean last year, so it happened to be ready first.

Where can I find the book?

All the details on the ebook or paperback are here. Please get in touch with me if you have any trouble. :)

How I manage the money part of writing

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I’m writing this post for two reasons - firstly, because finances are an omnipresent train of thought for me. I’ve always been a bit interested in money, an extension of an interest in numbers. However, it was really the experience of being both poorly advised and flagrantly defrauded by actual licensed financial advisors that really sharpened my desire to be in full informed control of all things money. That experience is fortunately in the 10+ plus past now, and I’ve long left behind the idea that managing money is in any way mystical. There’s a lot of bullshit around in the financial world, but I’ve hard-earned the confidence to call it now.

***This is where I’ll put the disclaimer that I am not a financial advisor, and nothing in this post should be taken as financial advice. I’m sharing my approach to managing writing income for the interest of fellow writers. You should talk to your own accountant to discuss your own situation.

The second reason is the reminder in Peter M Ball’s newsletter today about the subject of writers and money. Writers tend to get lumped together into the artsy-and-no-good-with-money stereotype. And let’s face it, for many, spreadsheets are the enemy. But writing is one of the hardest professions to make a living at, and the money can be sporadic and its easy to get caught out with taxes. So, in the spirit of sharing strategies, I’m putting down here how I do it. I’m a bit ruthless, with good reason.

  1. Keep track. There is fancy accounting software, but I use a simple spreadsheet to track Expenses, Invoices, Car kms, Travel, and BAS calcs (each on a separate tab). The spreadsheet automatically calculates certain things, like how much I can claim from an expense, or how to distribute any income (more on that below).

  2. Record invoices. Each time I issue an invoice, I record it in the invoices tab, and the sheet tracks how long it’s been since I sent any particular invoice. That allows me to easily follow up on tardy payers. And there are many.

  3. Divide each piece of income into set pieces. This is the really practical part. There’s nothing regular about my income, so the only way to do this is to divide each and every payment** that comes in, no matter how big or small: **after removing 10% GST for Australian income - if you’re not registered you don’t have to do this.

    • 15% for super. The current mandatory super payment for employees is, I think, 9.5%. But the word for a long time is that this isn’t sufficient, so I pay myself 15%. I don’t see this as optional. I also use an ultra low-cost fund, because the fees are what robs you in the long term (I use the Barefoot Investor’s approach on that front). Super isn’t sexy, but it’s important. I pay the owed amount into my fund about every quarter.

    • 20% for tax. I hold the tax in a separate account (along with GST, super and operating costs) until I do my BAS each quarter, and any extra until tax return time. Most years, I earn not very much and so I get most of that back as a “refund” (plus I pay installments with my BAS). No one likes being caught out owing money and having none to pay it, though, so I keep the tax aside. For my level of income, 20% has proved to be more than enough.

    • 15% for operating costs. My business has costs - paper, internet bills, advertising, books, conferences, flights. That money should come where possible from the business … if it’s coming from somewhere else, than the business isn’t profitable. Many writers run unprofitable businesses, especially in the early years, but holding 15% of my income for expenses irons out the worries I have about meeting, say, a membership renewal when it falls due.

    • What’s left (50%) into my pocket. It doesn’t feel great to have each payment cut in half before it lands in my bank, but that’s how I run things. I can’t imagine how I would plan for the future, avoid tax surprises, and have operating money any other way. It’s a hard truth, but I believe that if I can’t live on the 50% that’s left, then my writing isn’t a viable job, it’s a side hustle (and this is me). And that means I’m doing other things, too, like teaching. But my income is still important; even with a working spouse many of us aren’t solvent on that other person’s income. So I treat it importantly. It’s part of maintaining the health of the business.

    • I further split that 50% in my pocket into different pots in my “normal” accounts, which includes spending, saving, and long-term investing. I’m not going to get into that here … just to say that personal finances are a bit like the sun for many people - painful to look at for long. But having been through the utter grossness of being under heavy debt after the GFC, I find it now better to stare the money reality in the face and make long term plans I can stick to. If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend the Barefoot Investor’s approach. I have found it doable.

  4. Take care with expenses. I’ve found many writers with misconceptions about what you can claim as an expense. For example, to my knowledge, you can’t claim your “business lunch” with writer colleagues, unless you’re actually away from home overnight. You can, however, claim a portion of movie tickets (as narrative education), and there are ways to even out your income over the years … this comes from having an arts-specialist accountant. I strongly encourage you to try and find one.

  5. Record all travel. Travel has particular rules around what you can claim - I need to be working a certain number of hours each day to claim that day. I keep a travel log to keep all that above board. I also periodically keep a log of phone and computer use so I can justify the percentage I claim for my business expenses.

  6. Separate business accounts - one for expenses, one for lay-away. I use linked accounts - one is a transaction account with a debit Visa (income comes in here, and expenses go out), the other a high-interest savings account (that’s where all the super, tax, GST and operating expenses money goes when each invoice gets divided). My account has an auto-top-up feature, so I don’t ever worry that there won’t be money there if, say, I’m running Amazon Ads, or a website renewal comes in.

  7. Avoid credit like the poxy plague it is. Credit cards are awful, and seductive. I run things without one now, and it’s freedom to do so. See above about operating expenses … if I don’t have the money, I don’t have the money. If there’s something I want to do that the business can’t afford (like a conference trip), then I have to be prepared to pay for it from other savings. Writing incomes are so fickle … I won’t add debt into that mix ever again.

So that’s the essentials. There are other things I could talk about, like how I organise expense and invoice filing, but I think that’s enough for now. If anyone’s interested in a blank copy of my tracking spreadsheet, I’m happy to share it. I wish everyone fortitude in dealing with the numbers, especially if it’s not your thing.

Post-RWA report: The immaculate Nalini Singh

I’ve just returned home from the annual Romance Writers of Australia conference in Melbourne. I haven’t made it much in recent years, mostly because of the small child, and I go for different reasons now than I did at the beginning of my writing life. One constant remains though: RWA is, above all things, a beautiful community of supportive writers who all love what we do and are generous to everyone else. On that theme, I thought that this time I would write about one particular highlight of RWAus2019, which was Nalini Singh.

Nalini Singh is prolific and accomplished writer of romance, in several sub-genres including urban fantasy and sci-fi. I first discovered her writing through a friend who recommended her Psy-Changling series, and then in Rosmary’s Romance bookstore in Brisbane, I bought a collection of novellas (Angel’s Flight) that introduced me to her Guild Hunter series, which is still my favourite (I may or may not have made an undignified squeal when Angel’s Flight was mentioned in a conference session…). In any case, Nalini’s longevity in the industry and her legions of fans are testament to her skill and professionalism, but she also just happens to be a wonderful human as well.

If you don’t know Nalini Singh and her work, get thee to a bookstore!

If you don’t know Nalini Singh and her work, get thee to a bookstore!

For a time we shared a publisher, so we’ve met on some past social occasions and my publisher even sent me some signed copies of her books (no doubt after a fan-girling I must have unleashed in her direction). On all those occasions, as at the RWA conference, she’s been down-to-earth and approachable, in a way that’s not always true of mega-star authors. She’s also a fantastic teacher, presenting two high-value sessions at RWA - one on writing series, the other on novellas. I go to her sessions (as I’m sure many of us do) because they are guaranteed to be well-prepared, thoughtful and valuable insights into the craft of writing, all delivered with the non-nonsense approach that someone as successful as Nalini must possess. She has thoroughly earned every craft skill she has, through the only way any of us do: writing lots and lots of stories. And she is generously sharing that knowledge back to the community. She doesn’t have to do that. She could easily choose not to come, but I think this is the lovely thing about the guild-like world of writing. You can go to the conference and be in the orbit of writers you so greatly admire, and it feel completely natural and wonderful.

My favourite piece of advice from one of these sessions was in response to a question about marketing the first book in a series. Nalini’s answer was (and I’m paraphrasing here): Your job is to write, so spend your time there and not on marketing. Finish a series of books or novellas, and then maybe do a marketing push on the first one. Think long-term, which means creating something readers can really engage with.

I really liked that because advice (particularly from the indie side of the business) is often about the frantic need to do marketing, to spend the majority of time on that rather than writing. I struggle with that all the time, and especially post-conference, with all the marketing ideas I’ve absorbed from other people. But that’s not the core business of being a writer. It’s not the reason I got into this line of work. Instead, it’s more the SS that you have to swallow. But the writing should come first.

So, that’s my take-away this year. That the writing will come first. And so I wanted to credit Nalini Singh with that cut-through clarity, and wish her many many more years of fantastic stories ahead.

My much-handled copy of Angel’s Flight

My much-handled copy of Angel’s Flight

I got it signed at GenreCon in 2017 … which reminds me that GenreCon 2019 is coming soon.

I got it signed at GenreCon in 2017 … which reminds me that GenreCon 2019 is coming soon.

The Sunday Circle

The Sunday Circle is an initiative of Peter M Ball, aimed at fostering a community of creatives. It asks three check-in questions, and you can read Peter’s post for this week here, which also contains links for the rationale and how to participate yourself, if you’d like. I don’t make it every week, and I also usually post them over on my other blog, because it feels more natural to talk about the full breadth of my writing practice (including all the sci-fi and fantasy) there. However, this week it feels like it fits more comfortably here, so here we go :)

What are you working on this week?

It’s marking season at university, so this week I have the tail-end of that to do, mostly essays that have extensions. I generally enjoy marking - I learn incredible things from my students, and I’m exposed to a host of new ideas, new content, and new thoughts, along with the practice being part of ongoing craft development for myself. The part that’s less enjoyable is the time crush to have everything in by a certain date, but generally that’s manageable.

Other than marking, I return to my thesis this week. I’ll have both the novel and exegesis draft back from the respective readers, so it’s really in my court now to clean everything up and compile the final document for submission. I’m about 5-6 weeks away from that.

In one further job, I need to send my thesis novel manuscript out on query, so it can join my next Charlotte Nash book in being out for consideration and hoping to find a publishing home for it.

What’s inspiring me this week?

The Emerging Writer’s Festival. I’ve been privileged to be a festival ambassador this year, and I’m writing this blog from the green room at The Wheeler Centre, the main conference venue. I’ve met so many enthusiastic early-career creatives, and more established writers and professionals. I’ve a whole page of thoughts and valuable contributions I’ve taken away from the discussions, This is the incredible benefit of in-person attendance at industry events. And while there is also always a rub - chiefly in the comparisons we all naturally make to others - I’ve learned how to debrief afterwards to take the benefits forward and leave the doubt mostly behind.

Some of the highlights for me have been meeting (and being on a panel) with Melbourne author Melanie Cheng, who writes sensitive and powerful stories of modern Australia. If your enjoy literary work, I can recommend checking her out. Also, mindfulness facilitator Andrea Featherstone, whose session on mindfulness and guided meditation was an excellent reminder of the benefits all writers can find in training our attention. Finally all my 5x5 rules of writing co-panelists: Toni Jordan, who was so funny and reminded us to take care of our backs; Maria Tumarkin, who gave the most artistic and lyrical anti-rules treatise I’ve ever heard; Alison Whittaker, who reminded us of the value of sometimes stepping away from writing; and Katherine Brabon, who spoke about being comfortable with gaps and silences, among other things. You can find links to them all here. Lastly, Carl (Karl?), an aspiring romance writer whose attitude and enthusiasm made my day. I wish everyone I met the very best with their writing.

What action do I need to take?

I need to close out marking and some other teaching obligations early in the week, and remain focused on the thesis after that, ahead of useful time becoming difficult in the school holidays.

In the background there’s the niggling need to plan for what happens when my scholarship ends (also in about 6 weeks), and start re-jigging the finances to cater for it. Oh, and being the end of the quarter and financial year, there’s the check-list of business things to attend to so I can rule a line under the year, and start the next one.

The prophetic unicorn

Today, in the weekly grocery shop, I noticed another incursion of the unicorn into a familiar brand. Kellogg's LCMs now have unicorn line, joining the Coles brand unicorn icecream cones we've been scoffing in this house of late (though I prefer the mermaid flavour). Last year, unicorn hair colour was everywhere. Then there was unicorn toast. And frappacinos. Blow up pool toys (our neighbours have one). Make-up. In fact, I’m reasonably sure if you scroll back my insta feed you’ll find a unicorn biscuit there, too.

A desecration on the memory of the unicorn. But new and probably delicious! ***I’m not being paid to put any of these products here. Just so as you know.

A desecration on the memory of the unicorn. But new and probably delicious!
***I’m not being paid to put any of these products here. Just so as you know.

These may or may not have been frequently purchased in the it’s 8:30 and the kid is asleep supermarket treat run.

These may or may not have been frequently purchased in the it’s 8:30 and the kid is asleep supermarket treat run.

This infiltration of the unicorn into product brands is not new or narrow; it's a huge current thing as has already been noted in other pieces here, here and here (if you yourself had been under a rock and missed it).

These pieces point out what's fairly obvious – right-now unicorns are synonymous with rainbows, positivity, and whimsy that draws on a deep nostalgia from childhood – especially if you grew up with My Little Pony. The thing is, these unicorns aren't what I remember from my childhood.

I had two main sources of narrative as a child – the Story Time compendiums (Storyteller in other countries, I believe) and cinema. The two depictions of unicorns in my nostalgia vault are the ferocious beast variety who basically horn-skewered anyone who wasn't a virgin, and The Last Unicorn. Both align with more classical ideas of the unicorn – rare, mystical, elusive – but it's the latter that really burned their imprint into me.

From “The Bold Little Taylor”, Story Time, Issue 21, pp.561-567. No fluff and rainbows here.

From “The Bold Little Taylor”, Story Time, Issue 21, pp.561-567. No fluff and rainbows here.

The Last Unicorn, with the source of many a childhood nightmare, the Red Bull. The Unicorn also comes sans rainbows … though according to the title song, she does sparkle.

The Last Unicorn, with the source of many a childhood nightmare, the Red Bull. The Unicorn also comes sans rainbows … though according to the title song, she does sparkle.

Okay, so revamped posters have a rainbow. Somehow I think that’s recent.

Okay, so revamped posters have a rainbow. Somehow I think that’s recent.

The Last Unicorn is a book, but I saw the cartoon version. Incidentally, it’s another 80s animation in the anime tradition, like Astroboy, The Lost Cities of Gold, Belle and Sebastian, and this whole musing might have been sparked by an Insta post yesterday remembering another, Ulysses 31. I’ve only recently realised how many of my narrative exposure comes from them. But I digress.

In the story, unicorns have been disappearing from the world and their magic and life going with them. We follow the last free unicorn as she journeys to find what's become of her sisters, and discovers they have been driven into the sea by the (terrifying) Red Bull, the fiery agent of a privileged noble who enjoys watching them in the surf. Along the way, the unicorn makes friends, spends time as a human, and ultimately has to choose between love and a human life, and her true form. Definitely not a Disney movie.

Fracking terrifying. Just sayin’. Also, life can feel a lot like this sometimes.

Fracking terrifying. Just sayin’. Also, life can feel a lot like this sometimes.

Even as a child, I found the film full of yearning for better times past. It's all about nostalgia for when magic used to be real, in a world on the brink of forgetting. People of the world can't even see the magical creatures that still exist – they are blind to them without a glamour. The suspense of the story is between the hope that the world can be magical again, and the fear that the unicorn will be just like all her sisters – driven into slavery by the Red Bull. It absolutely haunted me as a story.

The dark broody palate of the film matches the end-of-epoch vibe. Life right now often feels a good deal like this.

The dark broody palate of the film matches the end-of-epoch vibe. Life right now often feels a good deal like this.

This same kind of yearning is what many commentators ascribe to the current unicorn incarnation – with a zeitgeist that worries about the fate of the world and sees dark and bleak signs, the rainbow fluffy unicorn is an antidote. It's fun. It's easy. It's the hot air balloon that lifts you away from the dark place.

The thing is though … I keep thinking about The Last Unicorn. In that story, the noble man strips the unicorns of their power in keeping them in the sea. The exist for his pleasure, at his direction. They are beauty and grace, yes, but they no longer keep forests alive. They no longer visit young women as a rite of passage. They have been stripped of function, reduced purely to aesthetic form. It's hard not to see unicorns on so many commercial products as similarly stripped of their power. To not see them as beautiful shells stripped of other functions by commercial machines.

I'm not against this unicorn-of-the-moment. I'm all for fun and whimsy (and the ice-cream is delicious). But there is something inside me that pales walking down the aisles of the supermarket. That says, unicorns aren't about rainbows and fun and antigravitas. Unicorns are questing creatures. They represent the moments of clarity, vision, tenacity, that come perhaps only a few times in our lives. And maybe that’s really what we need.

I'm trying to hold onto that idea, despite the inclination to ride the rainbow hot air balloon somewhere nicer. The dark bleak world of The Last Unicorn sometimes feels a lot like our world right now, as if my 80s childhood stories had come from writers who’d seen worlds like now before, and had survived to tell tales about them. And in this particular story, it was the facing down of the Bull that let the magic back in.

Unicorns, unleashed!

Unicorns, unleashed!

… and if you’ve never seen the movie, it boasts some big names as voice actors including Mia Farrow, Jeff Bridges, Angela Lansbury and Christopher Lee. Check it out.

To swear or not to swear ... ?

I’ve noticed a trend on review sites, of one-star reviews that come from readers offended and angry about finding swear words in romance novels. Often these readers specify they’ve returned the book, got their money back, but decided to leave a one-star review anyway. According to these readers, a romance shouldn’t have swears. It means there’s nothing redeemable about the story.

I’ve got these reviews myself. Lately, for my first book, a reviewer found it “peppered” with the f-word. (For interest, the f-word appears 13 times in all 360+pages, the first in Chapter 3 in the context of a very rude patient, the next in Chapter 5 from a very fearful patient, and again the third in Chapter 8 where the rude patient is now a thief and threatening the heroine. There isn’t another until Chapter 18.)

Now, I know swearing is not everyone’s jam, and one person’s light profanity is another person’s shock-horror. I’m not here to respond to a review, but I am curious about this.

Swearing is a fascinating subject for me. I include it in my stories for different reasons - sometimes to authentically represent the dialogue of people in particular groups and display their style of social bonding. My first three novels are particularly like this - maybe we swear more in Australia, but I’ve never been on a mine, or a construction site, or a remote location where no one was dropping the f-bomb, sometimes worse.

Research supports these aspects of swearing - that it has important social functions. It helps to prevent physical violence by giving big emotions a verbal outlet. It’s used as a kind of social bonding in all kinds of groups. Studies also counter many widespread cultural beliefs we have about swearing - it absolutely is not a mark of a lower-class or dumber person - swearing is found in all social classes. And, the all-time kicker, it doesn’t corrupt children, despite the fact that we all seem to carry the hang-up that we shouldn’t swear around them. This paradox in itself is interesting.

So, swearing (and other taboo words) have an incredibly interesting place in our language. It’s processed in a different part of our brain to other language, and becomes associated with strong emotions. This is why more swearing seems to come out when we’re really upset or angry. But it’s also a thing that does seem to require a lot of social information to allow us to deploy swearing “correctly” (that is, to try avoiding offence). So, you know not to swear around someone’s grandparents you just met, but at a bar watching a game, you might think very differently. Intent also seems to matter - words said in anger or to hurt are often more offensive than words meant humorously (though again, one person’s humour is not another’s).

Maybe this is the issue with books - being a text-based thing, that social context isn’t the same. A reader can easily come to a novel like mine expecting that romance doesn’t have swears, and then be rudely (to them) surprised.

I’m proud of my books, all of them. I’m not shamed by the language I’ve used - it’s part of who I am and part of some of my characters. I think taboo words play a huge role in our language and society and I want them in my word palate. I’m sorry I don’t meet every reader’s expectations, but that’s the game. I’m sad to get one-star reviews over this issue, but really, there’s nothing I can do about that either.

So, what do you think? Does swearing in a story put you off? Curious to hear what you think.

All Patrons' Day – 1 December

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of it for another.” —- Charles Dickens

Last year we started a new tradition in this house where 1 December became "All Patrons' Day". In short, it's a day to allocate a some pre-Christmas budget before shopping takes over and exhausts the funds.

I use this as a chance to donate to content makers whose work I consume (mostly podcasts, but also app developers), and charitable organisations. It's also a good opportunity to review any regular donations or patronages that might go out monthly.

I like 1 December because generosity of spirit is high right now, and it sets a nice tone heading into the holidays. Now, I know that #givingtuesday has just gone last week, and if that floats your boat, all fine. The outcome is what matters. I like 1 December because it's easier to remember, and I'll be honest – I hadn't heard of #givingtuesday until I started writing this.

We're lucky to live in one of the most affluent countries in the world, so I like this pause in the middle of the Halloween/Christmas/New Year rush and tumble to put some of that affluence in someone else's hands. In many ways, the world is actually improving (despite the messages in the news cycle), but I'm also aware of how much creative content I consume free these days, along with the work of many organisations I want to support. This is everyone's personal decision to make, but for me, it's something I really believe in.

This year, our "All Patrons" list includes a mix of Australian and International groups:

Podcast collectives:

Podcasts:

Organisations:

We thank all the people involved with the above organisations for entertaining, informing, and doing great work in the last year. Here's to a bigger and better 2019!

Have you been shamed for your reading choices? Why denying what you love is denying yourself.

In this video/audio, I talk about one of my pet hates - the marginalising and shaming of someone’s reading choices. Many readers of romance and science fiction have experienced this in their lives, but undoubtedly it isn’t limited to those genres. Through my PhD reserach into the neuroscience of reading, I’ve really come to appreciate how “story” is a collaboration between reader and text, and that reader has their own memories and knowledge that make the story meaningful. That really questions the absolutist idea of “value” in literature, and the idea that anyone should be shamed about what they enjoy reading, whether it’s for pleasure or for meaning.

You can also follow this link to SoundCloud.

Cheers, Charlotte (proud romance and science fiction reader).

Book Review - A trio of vintage Agatha Christie

Discovery!

I have no idea why, but I had a hankering for classic whodunnits this past fortnight. Maybe it’s because I’m editing a thriller, and a crime mystery is a nice adjacent genre without being too much the same. Because I’d seen the new Kenneth Branagh version of Murder on the Orient Express earlier this year (not at all motivated by certain small persons’s obsession with trains in this household), I gravitated to Agatha Cristie - not just one, but perhaps three of her most famous Hercule Poirot novels: Murder on the Orient Express, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, and Death on the Nile.

That’s the order in which I read them this time, but not the order in the Hercule Poirot novels - Roger Ackroyd is the earliest (#3 - 1926), then Orient Express (#8 - 1934), then Death on the Nile (#15 - 1937). Note in these numbers I neglect the short story collection and adapted play that sometimes have the books at #4, #10 and #17. Such the confusion.

I’ve read Orient Express before, but not for several years, since I was working on The Horseman (which has a crime subplot and a character obsessed with Christie, and who lends the book to the heroine). I’m sure Agatha Christie is a favourite homage for novelists - I still remember Kate Morton’s The Shifting Fog hinging around a character who was devoted to Christie novels, and a mistruth she tells as a result.

But I digress!

The review!

All three novels are masterful stories that are tight and engaging, despite a huge number of the scenes being simply people in a room talking to each other. Hercule Poirot’s personality carries a great deal of the page traction - he is a classic iconic character, one whose defining feature is their collected and unchanging ideosyncratic behaviours, a personality that confers particular advantage in resolving the situation of the story. Much of the tension and the reading pleasure comes from Poirot’s theory testing, running the crime through our eyes in different forms, while as the reader you try to remember little details and ask if they fit.

I read all three novels in under two weeks, a herculean (no pun intended) feat for me, even in Audiobook, so that’s a testament to their aweseomness. And it’s a testment to Christie that the books withstand early correct presumptions of the ending - I have an annoying habit (very mild superpower??) of anticipating twist endings. I worked out The Usual Suspects in the first twenty minutes, and I had my murderer sussed in both Nile and Roger Ackroyd early in the piece, the latter a book made famous for its resolution. I had the same suspicion of the ending when I saw Orient in film. But this minor annoying superpower of seeing-it-coming doesn’t dampen the experience.

Mysteries are more about how the discovery is made, as they are about the revelation. This is why the personality of the investigator matters so much - Poirot’s mind and affectations are a spectacle to watch at work. Anyone who reads romance knows this is true - knowing the ending is not the point; it’s how we arrive at that ending, the pleasure of seeing how it all unfolds, how the character will overcome the obstacles in their way to arrive at “the end”.

I recommend all three novels (if I was being tortured with promise of a mock cream donut, I’d rate Orient my fave, closely followed by Roger Ackroyd and then Nile, but there’s nothing in it). Agatha Christie is an eduring and celebrated novelist for a good reason, and for work published now up to 90 years ago (staggering!) the stories still feel fresh. Kenneth Branagh’s audio narration of Orient is wonderful. He was criticised for making Poirot less perculiar in the film than in previous adaptations, but I found I could move between different incarnations of Poirot without being bothered (I listened to the narrations by Hugh Fraser for Roger Ackroyd and David Suchet for Nile). I read that Kenneth Branagh will be releasing a new adaptation of Death on the Nile in 2019. All Christie, all the time.

Click on below for the trailer for Murder on the Orient Express if you haven’t seen it yet. The cinematography is breathtaking. I so want to go on the orient express - though with less murder would be grand. Links also to all three novels on Goodreads.

The Murder of Roger Ackroyd
Murder on the Orient Express
Death on the Nile

Double Review: Crazy Rich Asians (book + film)

If you'd prefer to listen or watch this review, choose the audio track or video below, or read on for the text!

How did I discover this book/film?

I saw a trailer for the Crazy Rich Asians film when I was seeing another movie, and then the book turned up in my audible feed, so I decided to read [or rather listen] to it first.

The review!

I'm a huge fan of romantic comedies – there's such a pleasure in those stories when they're done well. But they can be a bit samey – sometimes that's part of the pleasure, and sometimes it becomes tired. One of the great things about Crazy Rich Asians is that it sits broadly in romantic comedy, but is very different from other stories – the characters, the setting, it's all very much not Jenifer Aniston/Lopez. To be honest, I found the book a very slow start. Lots of characters to meet, and a lot of the opulent "world" to be built before the story really feels like it gets going. I wonder if I had been reading a hard copy if I would have stuck with it.

In audiobook, however, I pushed past that start, and the page traction picks up. It's very much a story about the setting – that over-the-top opulence is what makes it work, though there's enough story to be satisfying.

When I saw the movie, I was expecting a huge on-screen realisation of that opulent setting, and to be honest I was a little disappointed with how restrained it was compared to the book. The other dissatisfaction is that, while I think it's a good adaptation, the nuances and complexities of the secondary characters and subplots is completely missing.

The ending, particularly of Astrid's story and Rachel's family past, is very Hollywoodised and underdone in an unsatisfying way. It was odd to watch that, when the early scenes of the movie were straight takes from the book, even the bible study scene which I always thought stood out as not matching the rest of the book. I read somewhere that it was one of the originating scenes for the story, and it read that way – something that was a legacy and didn't quite belong. So double odd that the movie went with it anyway, but then departed so drastically from the book in all the wrap-up.

However, it's enjoyable to watch a rom-com without the usual suspects in the cast, and despite the other-worldly wealth, it does a good job of conveying a universality of romantic difficulties common to everyone. Plus it has some very funny moments!

It's rare for me to read a book so close to seeing the movie (the last time was Lord of the Rings), and it does create a strange story dissonance in my mind where it's hard to separate the two versions of the story, which might be one reason I found the film more unsatisfying. One thing is for sure though – I've never wanted to go eat in a Singapore food market more in my life.

Book – 4 couture dresses out of 5
Film – 3 mega-diamonds out of 5

Interested? Watch the trailer ...

TV Review: Younger

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How did I discover this show?

Like a disturbing number of my streaming choices recently, I received the recommendation from fellow author Christine Wells, whose judgement I now rate highly after enjoying Lovesick (Netflix), which she also put me onto. I signed up for Stan (again) just to watch Younger, and very glad I did. The show is currently in season 5, an incredibly rare case of me actually cottoning onto a show before it goes off the air. Sadly, this also means I've caught up to the current episode and am having to exercise all my powers of delayed gratification to WAIT for the next one. Grrr. On the plus side, the series has renewed for season 6.

The review!

If you know nothing about it, Younger follows Liza Miller (Sutton Foster) a 40-year-old who pretends to be 26 to get a job in publishing after her marriage breaks up, and an expanding pool of friends and colleagues. While the show does centre on Liza, the ensemble cast is one of the huge strengths and pleasures of the show, with each character maintained in the story even when they are not directly in Liza's scenes. The show is also stuffed full of publishing industry in-jokes and literary references, which is titilating and for me, pumps the funny. The plot follows the ongoing consequences of Liza's lie as different circles of her acquaintence discover her secret.

The irrepressible Diana Trout

The irrepressible Diana Trout

The writing is tight and effective, a rare case of a drama genuinely keeping the romantic tension going on multiple fronts, and the plot has pleasantly surprised me more than once. The characters are fun to watch, and I have special affection for Head of Marketing Diana Trout (Miriam Shor) with her avant-garde fashion, endless necklace wardrobe and spectacular haughty derision. Ever since she quipped something about the "bottom feeders at Little, Brown" and I spat my tea, I have enjoyed her.

Then there's the ongoing debate between #teamjosh (Nico Tortorella) and #teamcharles (Peter Hermann). And I still don't know whose side I'm on. Do you take all that Joshian romantic passion and raw energy, or Charlesian restrained brooding and experience? I can't say ... and I love that.

Choices. Cruel choices.

Choices. Cruel choices.

In short, this is a binge-worthy, funny, romantic show, that still has some deep moments, dealing with friendship and intimacy, as well as generational changes in attitudes towards age, work, sex, and so much more.

5 New York moments out of 5

Interested? Watch the season 1 trailer. Zero spoilers. Honest.

If you're super interested, you'll find Younger on Stan.

Book Review: Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady's Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners

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How did I discover this book?

I found Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady's Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners (hugh breath!) on a table somewhere in the labrynth of Barnes and Noble (Union Square) New York City. It wasn't on the ground floor, or particularly prominent, but the combination of risque cover (at least for the Victorians), the humour, and the fact I am researching the Victorian period for a book led me to hand over my money. I have no association with the author or publisher.

The review!

If you find historical era books a bit inaccessible, this book might be for you. It's fun, witty, and does a good job of using our expectations as modern day women to frame the differences in Victorian times. It's also transatlantic in focus, so you'll have examples from both the American Victorian era, and the British one. If you're a stickler for historical texts, the humourous style might get your hackles up, but it's an excellent introduction point if you want to dig further (a reference list is in the back). And if you're not researching, it's still entertaining. And occasionally sobering. Be glad to be a 21st century woman, I think.

Overall, I read the book very quickly, and I think I took more away from this about the lives of Victorian women than I have in a dozen drier, more traditional history books. A book that is trying to straddle the ground between entertainment and fact isn't an easy feat to pull off (when I get around to posting the review of Gut here, evidence will be presented), but Unmentionable does that for me. That's a win. Also, there is a sequel coming on children of the era - Ungovernable, I think.

5 tight corset stays out of 5

Interested? Here's the blurb from Goodreads

Ladies, welcome to the 19th century, where there's arsenic in your face cream, a pot of cold pee sits under your bed, and all of your underwear is crotchless. (Why? Shush, dear. A lady doesn't question.) 

UNMENTIONABLE is your hilarious, illustrated, scandalously honest (yet never crass) guide to the secrets of Victorian womanhood, giving you detailed advice on: 

~ What to wear
~ Where to relieve yourself
~ How to conceal your loathsome addiction to menstruating
~ What to expect on your wedding night
~ How to be the perfect Victorian wife
~ Why masturbating will kill you
~ And more

Irresistibly charming, laugh-out-loud funny, and featuring nearly 200 images from Victorian publications, UNMENTIONABLE will inspire a whole new level of respect for Elizabeth Bennett, Scarlet O'Hara, Jane Eyre, and all of our great, great grandmothers. 

(And it just might leave you feeling ecstatically grateful to live in an age of pants, super absorbency tampons, epidurals, anti-depressants, and not-dying-of-the-syphilis-your-husband-brought-home.) 

Super interested? Amazon | iBooks | Kobo

UK, Day 16 – Flying wood piranhas, and us, the stoopid tourists

I've done my share of tut-tutting the English tourists on Australian beaches, lobster red and yet still out baking. They're clearly dazzled by the appearance of this thing called sunshine we have in Australia, and in their enthusiasm to up the lifetime quota of Vitamin D, neglect the sunscreen. They may never had slip-slop-slap-(slide) ingrained in their cultural upbringing, but still, it's a stoopid tourist move. After all, who doesn't know about the Australian sun's ability to strip your epidermis before you can turn over?

The only thing is, I think I may have been a little premature in my judge-yness of English tourists in Australia. Might not be able to feel so on the high ground of touristy respect of the foreign country after this week.

You see, we Australians grow up in the pride of having the world's nastiest spiders, snakes, sharks, crocs, drop bears, creepy serial killers, et al. Basically, we think we have all the native aggressors stitched up. Come to Australia at your peril, ho ho ho, we have all the stuff that can get you. Of course, most of us are secure in the knowledge the worst we've ever actually experienced is a red back bite, and even those don't have the whispered deathly mystique they had in primary school. I've been bushwalking all over the place and never gotten anything worse than a leech.

So, on entering the English countryside, I saw endless cultivated fields and thought we were home free. Lo, this is the place where generations of my ancestors worked and lived. Everything nasty has been driven off. Nothing here can harm us!

Not so fast. Now, I realise that yes, there are endless fields. But all that seems to have done is concentrate the attack arsenal of all the stuff lurking in the woods and hedgerows.

First, there's Nettles. Not just one, but fields of fracking nettles. Not the faery story nettles that a princess beats into cloth for her swan brothers (which is absolutely bonkers), but glass-needle, histamine loaded dart tipped nettles. In groves, leaning over every path. Go play, I said to the three year old, and all was jolly. Until there was screaming. And welts. And more screaming. And googling what to do about nettle stings.

Second, Mosquitoes. Not just one or two sneaky ones, but whole fracking clouds of swarming mosquitoes that lurk in the cool of the woods, waiting for tasty tourist flesh to happen by. Unopposed, these things could suck out the blood of an adult human in thirty seconds. In fact, they're not mosquitoes anymore. They are flying wood piranhas. The real version of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves would basically have ended after Kevin Costner said, "we can find safety and solace in the trees", when all the outcasts were instantly driven from the forest by hoard of flying wood piranhas.

Three, the Black Skin Lice. I'll admit, I don't know what these little beggars are called, but they're tiny crawly insects that get on you and crawl around until you squish them into tiny streaks of black. Which sadly, doesn't at all deter their dozens of friends.

Now, it is unseasonably hot weather, so the nettles and FWPs and BSL may have just gone crazy in the heat. But it's also true the houses have no screens. So until we can leave all the greebs behind this week, we just have to put up with them. And wear jeans against the nettles. Maybe this is why I never see anyone walking a bridleway? The only plus is that we have had plenty of sunscreen, so no one has been burned. I never thought I'd look on an Australian fly with nostalgia, but come our return to Oz this week, I just might.

London, Day 2 – The misadventure

When I finished the last post with a glib suggestion of travel misadventures, I was anticipating turning down a wrong street in London, or hilariously catching the tube the wrong direction up a line. Not what actually happened, which had to do with the flight from NY to London itself. My tardy posting about it (being it's currently London day 7) could be taken as time required to process the experience. Or just laziness, choosing to ingest Sainsbury's 75p croissants as if the rapture is tomorrow, instead of blogging.

So, here's a short summation of the journey from New York to London Stanstead, travelling with a low-cost carrier I'll call Scandi McBudget Air.

I reach Newark airport smoothly (subway, two trains). Drop bag. Query my seat allocation, which appears to be back in an exit row***. Counter staff says "I'm not going to change it". I shrug. Reach gate. Screen says "on time". Staff (who turn out to be cabin crew and flight crew) are standing around drinking coffees. Waiting. Waiting. Irate French woman yells at gate staff (we will soon discover what this is about). Flight finally boards over an hour late, all the while the screen merrily says "on time". Ha-dee-ha.  ***there's a long story I won't go into with the booking process where I had a seat in this row to start with, and then it was changed twice to avoid being charged extra for the seat.

Once on board, becomes evident some colossal balls up has happened with seat allocations. People who paid for exit rows aren't the in exit row. Staff come to ask us if we paid for it. I say my seat was changed three times and the woman at the counter then wouldn't change it again. This is what French woman was yelling about. Finally, we leave, very late. Drinks trolley comes out, and water must be paid for. But the staff have been given no card readers (ticket says credit cards preferred) so they are collecting whatever cash people have, Aeroflot style.

I gave my last cash to a distressed woman on the train to Newark, so I'm facing all night in the desiccating cabin air with no water because of Scandi McBudget's manifest organisational fuckery. Steward, to his credit, gives me a bottle of water. Hours pass. The toilets are so stinky I'm convinced they've adapted the long drop to high altitude flight. That's when I notice the duct tape holding an overhead bin closed. Possibly containing snakes?

Duct-tape-gate, the evidence

Duct-tape-gate, the evidence

Yes, duct tape. Just in case you don't believe it, here is the photo. And while duct tape is a wonder material, it's not really what you want to see fixing your aircraft. Any part of the aircraft. Haven't they ever seen Air Crash Investigators? One tiny thing leads to another. To ANOTHER. And suddenly that duct tape on the overhead bin means some solvent dissolves some wire that controls some thing that makes everything go boom.

The dramatic close-up.

The dramatic close-up.

Anyway. To spoiler the end of the story, we managed to land safely, which I think was the only thing that went well. Chatting to other passengers in the terminal, I learned a part of their window assembly was hanging off, so they could see into some kind of plane innards. Now I know why the ticket was so damn cheap.

From there, I caught trains and tubes effortlessly to my destination, and will not even deign to complain about the lack of promised wi-fi on the Stanstead plane because I clearly used all my points up with the universe on the flight.

Since then, there's been a conference and various research around London, but I'm not sure any of it is very interesting blog material. On the weekend we head north to Lincoln for more research. Stay tuned. Maybe.